Tuesday, July 19, 2011

the forgotten child...

I usally don't like it very much when people get too personal on their blogs... It upsets me a bit, I feel like a voyeur and at the same time I think of how brave they are... Well it's my turn... it's a bit like joining the AA meetings...
So here we go...
I am the forgotten child... Who is the forgotten child, you might ask?
The forgotten child is the one who lives and grows up with a sick sibling... in the shadow of a sick sibling...
My brother had cystic fibrosis... or should I say my family had cystic fibrosis... because this disease not only affects the one who suffers from it, it affects every family member... and especially the forgotten child... Why is that so? Because the forgotten child suffers is silence... When you are the forgotten child you learn from a very early age not to complain... Why should you? You're healthy... So you don't complain, even when you have the right to do so... you shut up, you shut down, you repress you needs and emotions... you don't want to be a burden to your family, they already have enough on their plate... you put a brave face on, you are the little soldier, you carry the world on your shoulders and you don't complain... never... and if you do well you are soon reminded that you should not... And Cystic Fibrosis rules the family life... every aspect of it... from the time you get up to what you will eat... And Cystic Fibrosis tortures the sick one and then the sick one bullies the healthy one but you don't complain... never... remember? And you feel guilty, guilty to be healthy, guilty to hate the ways of the sick one, guilty to be able to live a normal life... but do you really live a normal life? No, you live under the rules of Cystic Fibrosis...And it gets so deep into your skin that you become unable to live a normal life, that you become unable to live normal relationship...
And then the sick one dies... you feel free for the first time, able to breathe ... but then guilt creeps up on you... you feel guilty to feel free... you feel guilty to be alive... you thought that CF died with the sick one but you soon realize that its ghost doesn't want to leave you... and it does not leave you, it continues to rule your life, it continues to feed your insecurities, it continues to wreck your life... until one day you wake up and say "enough is enough"... until one day you realize that if you don't get rid of that ghost, it will get rid of you... Today has been such a day... a very painful day but also a day full of hope... My brother died 8 years ago... It took me that time to face and to listen to the forgotten child... I'm ready to take her by the hand and I'm ready to let go the hand of CF...
If you read all this, well thank you... and please accept my apologies for the bad English and for all this... I needed to share my experience, maybe it will help someone out there... I'm not looking for pity... I just want to help the forgotten child in me and the forgotten children that are out there...

8 comments:

Vintage Green said...

You amaze and inspire me more every day.

I am happy you have given your inner forgotten child a great big hug and tucked her safely away.

And I am even happier to call you
sister/friend.

Mary K. McGraw said...

Thanks for sharing.

A Wild Thing@Sweet Repose said...

But just look at the brave new butterfly you have become. Sometimes the metamorphosis takes a long time, but the beauty that unfolds brings a smile to the whole world...nobody said it was gonna be easy...but KUDOS to you for breaking the cycle and becoming you...you are most brave and an inspiration to many...sure glad I found your "new self", how 'bout you!!!

Good luck and just be!

Stephanie said...

Steph,
It was very brave of you to share this and I would guess it gave you a bit of peace to finally shed the 'aloneness'...because you aren't alone.

I feel that that new piece of mine...the butterfly going through the portal illustrates your new found freedom and health.

x..x
steph

Jay said...

You are right, Steph; it's time. Embrace the child you could have, would have been. The world has a surplus of denial, guilt and resentment. Let go.

missficklemedia.com said...

I'm sorry for your troubles as a child. I understand a little more now. And I admire the character you have developed in spite of circumstances against you. Or maybe because of?

Still Waters Studio said...

You express yourself in English better than most people who speak it as their first language.
I hope that you see that not all of it was negative. Your experience made you into one of the most compassionate, caring people that I know. The introspection has fueled your creativity. You are an amazing person that anyone would be blessed to call you their friend and I am one of those people who are blessed to know you.
Big hugs to you!

Bohemian said...

And this is why others share more intimate, more personal parts of themselves... because it does connect to so many... in different ways and for different reasons. I can relate to so much of your Heartfelt Post so eloquently shared... ours was not CF, but another hereditary illness that tortures the Souls of those that are afflicted with it... and those that were spared the illness but not spared the effects of it in quite another way. I just want to extend a virtual hug and say how very glad I am that you now have a measure of Peace & acknowledgement of how this has shaped you, challenged you... and impacted your life. Sometimes the caregivers and the siblings of those who are sick are going through so much more than anyone could ever imagine. God Bless You.

Dawn... The Bohemian